Workin' on it.

Sorry for my little blips and mistakes.

I realize that I've got a lot at stake.

I've yet to give You my best.

But I'm working my way to overcome these tests. 

'Cause I know that the victory I see in my head

Is nothing compared to the place where I'm being led. 

Edits.

P.S. This is the sugarcoated version of my brainvomits, heart rantings, and blunt honesty. 

Gotta keep it pretty.

Ask me for the realistdeal...I dare you. =)

Keepin' it pretty...

for appearance's sake.

Because that's how I roll.

They don't need to know the beautiful mess that I've wound up in. 

Not by choice, but by your stupidity, my weakness and my tendencies for fallin' 

All I can say is 'whatever' to my-so-called-whatever. 

Everything you say that you are is just a front so you can feel better. 

All I can do is a virtual *shrugs shoulder. 

Because it's not even worth my 'whatever'.

My New Forte

Hide. 

I dare you to seek.

I'm done with this situation. 

I'm done being your stepping stool. 

Your feet hurt against my back. 

I'm done letting you manipulate your way. 

I'm done letting you manipulate my heart into thinking that I'm okay.

I've been helping you reach higher for years.

Well it's my turn now.

I dare you to seek me.

Is it just me or....

am I being used? 

I feel like I only have friends when I'm convenient to have around. 

I know I go out of my way lot to show that I care or just when a friend needs a favour, but don't take it lightly. 

Frig. 

After all of that...it's still the same. I STILL don't get any reciprocity. 

Thanks a lot...'friend.'

Life in its Fullness

"Live life to the fullest."

Some would interpret that as the premise to experience everything and anything according to their own will. 

I tell you now, I'm living my life to its fullest and it's not because I've gone buck wild, and I'm doing whatever the heck I want-when I want.

My life is amazing because He is in it. He's given so much more than what I could have ever cultivated for myself. He's given me everything I need, when I needed it. 

It's no longer about just me...it's no longer just about what I want, but what He wants. And the things that He wants aren't lacking in anything, but are perfect, full of peace, lasting joy and real Love.

Yes, it's hard to walk this path. I had so much trouble before...but that was because I didn't completely want Him. I still missed my old ways because it provided me with temporary 'feel good moments' and left me feeling empty after the fleeting moments had passed. Because those moments always left me as quickly as they came...I was addicted. 

That life was like a drug. It was a perpetual cycle of fleeting moments, sin, emptiness, and then more momentary happiness. I couldn't gotten out of that cycle if God Himself didn't force me to make my mind up.

He didn't want half of me. He want all of my heart because when you truly Love someone, you can't just have half of them. And God truly Loves me...and how could I really resist? 

There are few things I know, and a lot of things that I think I know. Slowly but surely, I am being emptied of human knowledge. I am no longer chasing after emptiness. I'm walking the path He set out for me and I'm so thankful for it. 

My standards have been set. Unless the Lord hands me his heart, I know it's not for me. And that's okay with me. I'll be patient, I'll wait on and for Him, and I'll keep walking, in faith that my path will eventually come closer and merge with the One He has made for me. 

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

James 1:4

As the Lord works and makes me complete and lacking nothing, I trust that my Father is doing the same in him. 

Knowing and having faith in that...brings me peace. 

Supah Dupah Busaayyyy!

And I Love It. =)

Okay, so I MIRKED my three exams today. YESS! I only have one more paper to write and hand in for Monday and (8) I'm freeeeeeeeeee! 

I'm just so happy. Truly happy. 

Today I...

Killed my exams.

Got home early.

Went jogging...and it was a great run. 

Watered my front lawn.

E-mailed a whole bunch of people. 

Caught up with my loves. 

Overall, it was a super productive day!

I feel more like myself, I know that every day I'm more of the person that I want to be, and I feel great because I know in faith that one day I'll be that person I'm truly meant to be. 

May 16-18: You...

You...are beyond good. You are brilliant, amazing, BEAUTIFUL, King, wonderful....all in all, You are everything.

The past two days have really set me straight. (Thank You!) Angels and Demons + good laughs + good people + Your Word + Your presence = one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. It was simple, but it meant alot to me.

For the first time in a long time, He's shown me joy, truth and a glimpse of His love again. 

I know I'm still learning how to be the real me, I know I'm still learning what Love really is, I know that eventually I'll learn how to Love as well...

...but right now, I'm just happy and I will revel in it and just keep pushing ahead. 

I don't completely concern myself with my future anymore, because I know it's already taken care of. He knows my heart, He knows what I Desire, He knows the things that make me happy and the things that will make me Joyful in Him- and that is enough for me.

Of course, I know that I have to work my butt of for all of those things, but the beautiful thing is that all I really have to worry about is living, laughing, learning, and loving! 

Oh Lord, thank You for all that You are. Your timing is so perfect, because You are perfect, and though I may only call myself Your servant for now, I truly hope that one day I can call myself Your friend; not for my benefit, but because I truly want to Love You so much more than I do now. 

I truly simply....thank You.

P.S. I forgot to mention this.

Yeseterday was another 'would have been' day. It was on my mind all day and I know I shouldn't think of things like that. But it wouldn't leave me.

Frig...I really hate this. 

I wish I had a life-moment eraser or something....but then again, how do you erase two years of your life?

I regret the 'roses incident'. I never should have returned them and that I wish I had all of them just so I have something to remember it all by. Even if it hurts.

What to do...

I've got such a crap load of things to do but I know that I won't even make a dent in it today. 

I've got all day with nothing planned...but I wish I did. 

On days like this I really wish the last few months never happened. I never used to have days with nothing planned because I had someone to fill in the empty spaces. 

I don't wanna sound emo, but the empty spaces just hurt now. Then again, most everything hurts these days. 

Pain and I are long-time friends...I'm almost used to it. Every phone call, conversation, chillage, time you mention you-know-who...it all hurts.

Whatever. If this doesn't kill me, it'll only make me stronger (in Him).

Yo hotieee!

A funny thing happened today:

I was visiting a friend today so we could jam and I went to her school to meet up, but I found out I was early so I chilled outside with JGC until their classes were done. 

I also  happened to be wearing a knee-length yellow skirt today (my fave summer look!) and it was a little breezy....

So...I ended up making fun of the whole skirt blowing by impersonating Marilyn Monroe's famous picture, when I heard someone yell "Yo hottiee!!"

Now, I usually don't turn around for things like that, but seeing as the only people behind me were kids playing outside during their recess, I wanted to see who said it.

So, I turn around and all I see is this little kid, in "the stance," checking me out and looking me up and down like he was the big man on campus.  I swear, this kid must have been like....10 years old or something like that!

I was a combination of grossed out, amused and in shock. 

There's one thing I will say about the whole thing...props to that little kid for his guts. 

But that's all he'll ever get for it.

Testing.

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Check.

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