cancel the trip.

no more blogspot.

goodbye for good.

little by little, I'm gonna let it all go.

Ignorance is Bliss.

Goodbye.

Leaving on a Jetplane!

I'm off to see the Rockies! (in a week....)

I wish I didn't give facebook up so I could somehow make plans with the Western YFCers....would it be worth putting the hiatus, well, on hiatus??

Still making up my mind on that one.

Sweet and Simple.

Thank You for 19 beautiful years of life.

Though I've been selfish...

Make something beautiful for Yourself out of my ife...starting today.

Thank you guys for the birthday greets! They really did make me smile today =)

Only You.

Only You know what's inside me now.

Try as I might to hide it and smile for You, I know I have no where to hide this.

Out of depth.

Why is it that people keep reminding me that it's my birthday soon, like I'm going to forget? I'm not busy enough for that...geez.

Is it that they're more excited for my birthday than I am...or are they trying to prove to me that they're good enough friends to not have forgotten?

I don't know...either way, I apreciate the thought...but I'm truly not excited.

I'm not going clubbing, I'm not going out for drinks, I'm not having a party and I'm not getting presents. I know now that it's not really about me anymore. No...I'm not being emo. I honestly am grateful for another birthday...I praise God that He saw fit to give me another year of life. It's just that the past year wasn't about me...my life isn't about me..it's all about Him- that's the way it was meant to be.

A part of me wishes for something special to happen, but in my heart I'd rather be nothing so that God can be everything to everyone in this world.

My selfishness desires more, yet as I try to squash it out of me until I'm nothing, the greater the desire becomes.

In my mind I know that I don't need to understand the reasons why, but I do need to trust in His Sacred Heart blindly.

I'm trying really hard...harder than ever before, but as I push myself onto sure and steady foundations, the more emptiness I feel.

It's hard to pray, but I pray constantly...the minute I wake up to the moment I'm asleep.

I've never desired the Lord this much in my life...yet the more I pray, the more I push myself, the emptier I feel. Reading about Mother Teresa's faith gives me hope though. I'm sure this emptiness in my heart is nothing compared to the darkness she felt for so long, even as she continued His work as a Missionary of Charity.

I do hope that this is the answer to my prayers...I have alot to thank God for...and even this emptiness is one of those graces He has magnanimously given to me despite my unworthiness.

Love.

"Love demands sacrifice. But if we love until it hurts, God will give us His peace and joy...Suffering in itself is nothing, but suffering shared with Christ's Passion is a wonderful gift." -Mother Teresa

Thank You Lord for Your sufferings, Your passion and Your Love for me...for us. I pray that more of Your children may be able to commiserate with You and Your Mother as this world continues to crucify You and Your Mother's Blessed hearts with our sins. I pray that we may be able to bring You some comfort in Your thirst for our love and our response to Your overwhelming Love for us through our own sufferings and our own sacrifices...even though they could never compare to what You have done for us

In Short.

Beautiful week. Beautiful people. Beautiful God.

I want to post more....but I still need to process what's happened over the past few weeks. I'm still in awe of His magnificent beauty, which He revealed everyday of this past week.

P.S. I'm sorry. I know I'm weak and imperfect, but that's no excuse to drag other people down. That was the last time...my goodbye so to speak. You don't belong to me, nor I to you...it was this way from the beginning. I have alot of things to face that I'm scared of, and I know I have to stand without you at my back, but with Him standing beside me. Even still, I do love you- more than you'll ever know.

Hide and Seek.

If you truly want to find Me...if you truly want to know my heart...if you truly want to Love me...

You will not find the answers you seek through my friends, through my hobbies, or through my passions here on earth.

You will find my heart with my Father, in the shape of my Mother's heart, safely guarded by her Husband.

My true self is safely hidden...as I find myself more and more in Love with Him....I find myself.

I now know that the one person truly meant for me will seek me out in Him...will fight for Him...fight the obstacles that get in the way...fight himself and all his weakeness in order to find himself in God so completely that our hearts and souls are united in one place...

That is...in Him.

P.S. It may seem like its impossible...but I seek perfection- not in him, but in Him. I seek a perfect Love in Him...if I ever find myself in Love again.

Honestly.

People need to friggin chill.

I'm so sick of all the effing seriousness going on.

All the 'victims' and people who are 'suffering' from such meaningless things...

HONESTLY. Re-freakin-lax. There's too much in the world to be thankful for.

As much as I know I need to be loving and be patient with all you friggin emo kids, somedays I can't because I'm exhausted and my mind is tired.

You kids honestly don't have much to complain about so stop crying, complaining and rolling in the dirt because you feel down.

Grow up. Life isn't pretty sometimes but you can't forget the reason why smiling is worth it.

Screw the anger, screw the victimhood, screw all of your negativity.

I'm going to be happy despite all of the annoying meaningless issues all you kids keep complaining about.

Re-effing-lax and grow up children.

Smile Though Your Heart is Breaking

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything I am for Your Kingdom come

As I walk from earth into Eternity"

- Brooke Ligertwood, Hosanna

Prayer answered.

Heart broken- again

In my weakness,

may Your power shine,

to bring You the praise

Only You deserve.

Though I may be trampled,

Used, rejected and abused,

You give me everything I need,

to live, laugh and continue loving.

Praise the Lord for He is Good.

Longing

In the desert, I thirst for You alone.

In the desert, I desire for Your presence.

In the desert, I yearn for Your comfort.

My refinement comes

At the price of Your Son's life

In return I am able to receive

Your Son's life in me.

At the end of the day, my heart is happiest in Your hands. St. Joseph, guardian of my heart, please be near me as I live through my days...be my protector. Holy Mother, most Blessed Virgin, draw me closer to You so that I may know the ways of Your Son and live as a true woman of God.

I Live To Worship

Love Movements start with one person so let it begin with me.

Let Your Love reach past my weakness and be my strength.

Let everyone see past me and only see Christ in me.

Thank You so much for today.

One of the things I truly Love about my service is being a witness to His children in worship.

I love standing in front of that crowd and seeing those masks and the pride stripped away.

I love that my service is to bring Him praise in the most literal way!

I am able to love even more simply.

Thank You...because You are simply everything.

When all is lost...

You give sustenance. Holy Mother, all knowing and generous...*sigh.

Thank You.

Wow.

You take the cake.

It's always been like this.

Yet, I still put up with it.

York is...

FREAKIN GAY!

UGH.

Me + School = love-hate relationship.

FRIG.

Sometimes I wonder...

...why do I even bother?

Summer

Things I'm pushing myself to do

1- Jog at least every other day

2- Go to Chicago

3- Go to Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver in August

4- SHouT!

5- Watch Up, Harry Potter, Transformers, My Sisters Keeper, and The Proposal

6- Get a scholarship for September

7- Read Mere Christianity (C.S. Lewis) , The Best Question Ever (Andy Stanley), 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Stephen R. Covey), The Catechism, The Great Divorce (C.S. Lewis), Praying With Women of the Bible (Elenna Bosetti), Mary's Way of the Cross (Irma Pfeifer)

8- Go to the beach...once.

9- Change my sleeping habits so I can go to adoration in the mornings

10- Daily mass and weekly confession.

on a side note, I know my 19th is coming up...I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet.

I kind of just want to go to adoration and mass. If there are fireworks down at the lake than seeing that would be cool...

Anticipation

The only thing that sustains me is Your presence.

There's nothing in this world like You.

No amount of substitutes and distractions can replace You.

I can only live in hope of a tomorrow spent with You.

Despite all of the hurts, pains and burdens of my life,

You are bigger than all of it.

Even though life is tough,

You are still King.

Even though I suffer from cuts that are deeper than I've ever received,

You are still in Heaven in Your Throne.

Thank You for mass,

Thank You for coming so humbly in bread and wine,

Thank You for allowing me to be with You daily,

Thank You for allowing You to be in me.

Thank You...because You are everything.

Desert Song- Hillsong (Brooke Fraser and Jill McCloughry)

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and thirst

My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire

And weakness or trial or pain

There is faith proved more worth than gold

So refine me Lord through the faith

I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ

So firm in His promise I'll stand

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

And this is my prayer in the harvest

And favour and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I receive I will sow

Praise God for two amazing women of God who have been inspired by the Spirit to write this song.

It's become one of the many anthems of my heart...I love it.

Simple.

Jesus, I trust in You.

In You, I trust, Jesus.

Days like these...

I have to remind myself to just get back up when it knocks me down.

on a side note: yay for dean's honour role. praise God for academic blessings.

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Praise God forever.

I could describe the weekend from my perspective but it would take hours of typing to do so.

All I can really say is that when I gave and gave until it hurt, both physically and emotionally, He always double His gifts for me.

There were a lot of things about this weekend that tested me and could have pushed me down, but with His presence in my heart, how could I have failed?

My physical injuries, the fatigued muscles, the sleep deprivation, the food I gave, the food I never got the chance to eat...all of it would have left me complaining if this happened a few years ago.

But because God is so good, He sustained me with His presence in the Eucharist. Just knowing I was gonna see Him soon during adoration, and just knowing that I would receive Him soon during mass kept me going.

Anyways, more on His Graces later.

P.S. I love you mom...always.

Panic.

Okay...let me freak out now and get it out of my system.

*coughs*

OMGOSH. RYC TOMORROW.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I haven't been this excited for pre-con/ryc/conference/any yfc event before in my life.....except for my first ever conference in Calgary.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm doing alot. I know it. But it's for my God....AHHHH.....

I can't believe my toe is so busted up. I don't know how I'm going to pull it off tomorrow, but His power is perfected in my weakness.

My mind is everywhere. Seriously. It flies from music min, to dance, to banner, to my share...to adoration, to the fact that I really want to go to confession today, to....everything in between!

Oh Lord. Thank You for the drive, the passion, the excitement. I anxiously await Your presence at Your Holy event. I pray for peace of mind, focus and for You to be in me as I sing, dance and speak Your living word. Thank You again Lord God...I praise Your Holy name....because without You, we are nothing, and this event as a result would not be another victory claimed for Your Kingdom.

Infinite Grace

I'm scared terrified.

The covers have been over me for years.

Slowly, they've been stripped off of me...allowing me to breathe, to feel the fresh air and see the light....

But...complete exposure is set on me soon.

I know I need to let go and let God...but my human frailty shudders at the possible consequences.

Shall I bare my heart, for all to see, in its ugliness and its beauty?

I already made that decision...and I'm scared and nervous, but in my weakness, His power is perfected.

I know that when I get on the stage, I will say my part and God will speak for the rest of the time.

But I'm scared because my human heart is weak. It can't bare to see people looking at me differently, to see the people that have looked up to me for years change their opinion of me.

I'm scared of judgement. My mind knows that the only judgement that I should be fearful of, is that of the Lord. But my weak human heart trembles at my friends turning their backs on me, my sisters to look at me with disdain and my brothers casting me off.

I must remind myself of His revelations to me. I must recall, that there is nothing I could do to make Him Love me less...and His Love is everything that I need.

Lord God, as I prepare to speak and share, I pray for strength in You. I pray Lord that my faith in your everlasting Love is strengthened tenfold. I pray that as I ready my heart for this exposure, that at least one person will see You, and only You. I shall overcome my fear for You Lord, through You, for the sake of that one person who's life You may choose to change. Lord, I do this, not out of selfishness nor any desire for glory....

I do this simply because You've asked. I do this because I Love You. I do this because someone out there could share my life's story. I do this because I know that despite whatever I say, You will always speak louder than I ever can...and that my heart, scarred and bruised as it may be, is beautiful because You reside in me.

Lord, I ask this through Your son, with Your Queen, Mother Mary's, intercession....

Lord, thank You for answering my prayers...the ones I speak in the silence of my heart, the ones I yearn for in my deepest core, and the ones I have yet to realize. Thank You, for I know that as soon as a prayer enters my heart, You have already granted it, in Your Son's holy name.

2 Corinthians 12:9

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Thoughts on this later. Or....at RYC??? 

There's no such thing as 'Limbo'

There has never been an 'in between' when it comes to the two of us.

Honestly, sometimes you make my blood boil with anger and frustration.

On the flipside, some of my happiest days were spent with you. 

Maybe that's why our attempt at being in between is so rough on me...it's just never been this way before.

...whatever.

Jeremiah 24:7

"I will give them a heart to know the Lord; and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart."

Praise God.

When you love someone.

When you really love someone...I mean Love someone...

You can't just have part of them. You can't have half of their heart.

It's never enough.

It's not because you need more of their heart so you can get more from them...

You need all of their heart so you can Love them completely.

I've killed some cochlea hairs, but it was so worth it

Music Ministry is so freakin awesome. The Frontlines will always have my heart. ALWAYS.

Why?

1) Raph is a BEASTLY BEATS BEAST. No one else but Raphael Dizon can pull off a double bass beat for Hosanna. No one. O-M-FREAKIN-GEE.

2) Real talks make the late night commute worthwhile.

3) Going to pho 88 with Neil and Will was worth coming home late and getting in trouble.

4) I am learning to just let things go

5) The stress might get to me sometimes, but the music always brings me back to life. 

Out of the whole community, most of the people that I have always wanted to serve with in music are in this band (minus one or two people out there that just couldn't fit due to sound board channel restrictions and the call to be non-biased while discerning on who would be in it...).

I LOVE THE FRONTLINES. I loooove the people in it. I love the moments we make. I looove the music we play. I love them...simply because of the people that they are. This group is just so special. Everyone is so unique and different. But we remain united in our love for Christ and our love for music. 

Honestly, every kind of person is in this band.

You got WT, the hearthrob...NP, the joker gangstah...SL, the rocker...MB, the crazy one...MP, the skater...EG, the emo...PB, the loud one...AN, the quiet artsy one...AT, our very own baby spice...IG, the weirdo... MT, the big sister...YA, the cool one...RD, the awkward master of all things off-beat...then you've got me, the nerd.

Together, we make the Frontlines. Together we make one harmonious band. Together, we make music worthy of praising our most beautiful King of All. 

I love it. It makes my days better, my smiles wider, my heart bigger and my service so worth it. 

Praise God!! 

Workin' on it.

Sorry for my little blips and mistakes.

I realize that I've got a lot at stake.

I've yet to give You my best.

But I'm working my way to overcome these tests. 

'Cause I know that the victory I see in my head

Is nothing compared to the place where I'm being led. 

Edits.

P.S. This is the sugarcoated version of my brainvomits, heart rantings, and blunt honesty. 

Gotta keep it pretty.

Ask me for the realistdeal...I dare you. =)

Keepin' it pretty...

for appearance's sake.

Because that's how I roll.

They don't need to know the beautiful mess that I've wound up in. 

Not by choice, but by your stupidity, my weakness and my tendencies for fallin' 

All I can say is 'whatever' to my-so-called-whatever. 

Everything you say that you are is just a front so you can feel better. 

All I can do is a virtual *shrugs shoulder. 

Because it's not even worth my 'whatever'.

My New Forte

Hide. 

I dare you to seek.

I'm done with this situation. 

I'm done being your stepping stool. 

Your feet hurt against my back. 

I'm done letting you manipulate your way. 

I'm done letting you manipulate my heart into thinking that I'm okay.

I've been helping you reach higher for years.

Well it's my turn now.

I dare you to seek me.

Is it just me or....

am I being used? 

I feel like I only have friends when I'm convenient to have around. 

I know I go out of my way lot to show that I care or just when a friend needs a favour, but don't take it lightly. 

Frig. 

After all of that...it's still the same. I STILL don't get any reciprocity. 

Thanks a lot...'friend.'

Life in its Fullness

"Live life to the fullest."

Some would interpret that as the premise to experience everything and anything according to their own will. 

I tell you now, I'm living my life to its fullest and it's not because I've gone buck wild, and I'm doing whatever the heck I want-when I want.

My life is amazing because He is in it. He's given so much more than what I could have ever cultivated for myself. He's given me everything I need, when I needed it. 

It's no longer about just me...it's no longer just about what I want, but what He wants. And the things that He wants aren't lacking in anything, but are perfect, full of peace, lasting joy and real Love.

Yes, it's hard to walk this path. I had so much trouble before...but that was because I didn't completely want Him. I still missed my old ways because it provided me with temporary 'feel good moments' and left me feeling empty after the fleeting moments had passed. Because those moments always left me as quickly as they came...I was addicted. 

That life was like a drug. It was a perpetual cycle of fleeting moments, sin, emptiness, and then more momentary happiness. I couldn't gotten out of that cycle if God Himself didn't force me to make my mind up.

He didn't want half of me. He want all of my heart because when you truly Love someone, you can't just have half of them. And God truly Loves me...and how could I really resist? 

There are few things I know, and a lot of things that I think I know. Slowly but surely, I am being emptied of human knowledge. I am no longer chasing after emptiness. I'm walking the path He set out for me and I'm so thankful for it. 

My standards have been set. Unless the Lord hands me his heart, I know it's not for me. And that's okay with me. I'll be patient, I'll wait on and for Him, and I'll keep walking, in faith that my path will eventually come closer and merge with the One He has made for me. 

"But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

James 1:4

As the Lord works and makes me complete and lacking nothing, I trust that my Father is doing the same in him. 

Knowing and having faith in that...brings me peace. 

Supah Dupah Busaayyyy!

And I Love It. =)

Okay, so I MIRKED my three exams today. YESS! I only have one more paper to write and hand in for Monday and (8) I'm freeeeeeeeeee! 

I'm just so happy. Truly happy. 

Today I...

Killed my exams.

Got home early.

Went jogging...and it was a great run. 

Watered my front lawn.

E-mailed a whole bunch of people. 

Caught up with my loves. 

Overall, it was a super productive day!

I feel more like myself, I know that every day I'm more of the person that I want to be, and I feel great because I know in faith that one day I'll be that person I'm truly meant to be. 

May 16-18: You...

You...are beyond good. You are brilliant, amazing, BEAUTIFUL, King, wonderful....all in all, You are everything.

The past two days have really set me straight. (Thank You!) Angels and Demons + good laughs + good people + Your Word + Your presence = one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. It was simple, but it meant alot to me.

For the first time in a long time, He's shown me joy, truth and a glimpse of His love again. 

I know I'm still learning how to be the real me, I know I'm still learning what Love really is, I know that eventually I'll learn how to Love as well...

...but right now, I'm just happy and I will revel in it and just keep pushing ahead. 

I don't completely concern myself with my future anymore, because I know it's already taken care of. He knows my heart, He knows what I Desire, He knows the things that make me happy and the things that will make me Joyful in Him- and that is enough for me.

Of course, I know that I have to work my butt of for all of those things, but the beautiful thing is that all I really have to worry about is living, laughing, learning, and loving! 

Oh Lord, thank You for all that You are. Your timing is so perfect, because You are perfect, and though I may only call myself Your servant for now, I truly hope that one day I can call myself Your friend; not for my benefit, but because I truly want to Love You so much more than I do now. 

I truly simply....thank You.

P.S. I forgot to mention this.

Yeseterday was another 'would have been' day. It was on my mind all day and I know I shouldn't think of things like that. But it wouldn't leave me.

Frig...I really hate this. 

I wish I had a life-moment eraser or something....but then again, how do you erase two years of your life?

I regret the 'roses incident'. I never should have returned them and that I wish I had all of them just so I have something to remember it all by. Even if it hurts.

What to do...

I've got such a crap load of things to do but I know that I won't even make a dent in it today. 

I've got all day with nothing planned...but I wish I did. 

On days like this I really wish the last few months never happened. I never used to have days with nothing planned because I had someone to fill in the empty spaces. 

I don't wanna sound emo, but the empty spaces just hurt now. Then again, most everything hurts these days. 

Pain and I are long-time friends...I'm almost used to it. Every phone call, conversation, chillage, time you mention you-know-who...it all hurts.

Whatever. If this doesn't kill me, it'll only make me stronger (in Him).

Yo hotieee!

A funny thing happened today:

I was visiting a friend today so we could jam and I went to her school to meet up, but I found out I was early so I chilled outside with JGC until their classes were done. 

I also  happened to be wearing a knee-length yellow skirt today (my fave summer look!) and it was a little breezy....

So...I ended up making fun of the whole skirt blowing by impersonating Marilyn Monroe's famous picture, when I heard someone yell "Yo hottiee!!"

Now, I usually don't turn around for things like that, but seeing as the only people behind me were kids playing outside during their recess, I wanted to see who said it.

So, I turn around and all I see is this little kid, in "the stance," checking me out and looking me up and down like he was the big man on campus.  I swear, this kid must have been like....10 years old or something like that!

I was a combination of grossed out, amused and in shock. 

There's one thing I will say about the whole thing...props to that little kid for his guts. 

But that's all he'll ever get for it.

Testing.

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2

3

Check.

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